Tuesday, January 13, 2009

HOW TO PREPARE FOR DEPLOYMENT TO IRAQ / AFGHANISTAN

Got this from another blog I found....pretty funny

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."

4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.

5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.

8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.

10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate the lack of hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.

18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.

21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.

22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.

23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."

24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.

25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.

27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.

29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.

30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.

31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.

32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.

33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.

34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.

35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.

36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.

37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to
the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.

38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.

39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat / air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater / air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold / hot.

40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

My night.....

Ok.... to fill my readers in, I am a Driver for the Armed Forces Inaugural Committee. But tonight, I was... a BABYSITTER. Here is the deal... Tonight we were training for the Presidential Inauguration.... or "I-Day" as the military refers to it. I prefer to call it "Gonna-Shoot-Myself-In-The-Brain-Day"..Why? cause thats whats gonna happen unless people get their act together.

Anyway I got WAAAY off track. So we are training by driving our shitty little government cars with the killer soundsystems all around DC, VA, and MD. Today I had an Air Force Major, and Navy LT. Both were very badass and cool. Today was the first and probably only day that we were told we could drive wherever we wanted and had no actual missions besides drive with 2 officers in our car. Background info on my 2 officers in the car... Major is a Defense attorney JAG, and likes cross fit, so he is in some crazy good shape. Navy LT, she is phillipino and very good looking. She is a Navigator on an EA-6B Prowler , very badass I might say. She was very suprised that I knew what it was, and then was more impressed that I knew exactly was it was and all that jazz....yea im a nerd, leave me alone. So I drive them around talking BS about great places to eat in the area, what we do for fun, and other odds and ends. We finish early because Major wants to watch the National Championship game on TV. I drop them off at 1930 at our office building. It was an hour and a half earlier than planned so I call a fellow driver up to see where he is at. Old man (he is only 45) says he is at a bar next to the Dubliner called Kellys Irish Pub. He said he is there with about 10 officers and I should join. So I drive my government vehicle to the bar, park, and head on in.

When I first walk in, I am approached by an odd looking kid in a wheel-chair. He looks at me and says "HEY SPECIALIST! (I am in my class B uniform) ARE YOU HERE WITH THOSE NAVY FUCKS?" I answered that I was here to meet with them. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH THEM, FUCKING TRAITOR SCUM!!!" I just walk by his wheelie ass and move on. I get to the table where there is Old Man, CPT AF, 4 LT Navys, 1 LTC Navy, and CPT USMC. All but Old man are about 4 pints of Guinness down wind. I am introduced, ingnored, and sit down. I talk to Old Man, and he tells me how the other drivers of the officers left because they probably felt uncomfortable with the situation, but he decided to stay cause it seemed like a fun place. AF CPT talks to me a few times and I really dont know what she is talking about really....something about someone who is getting fired cause he is a shitty driver and something blah blah. They all order another round and ask for the check. It then takes them about 30 minutes to figure out the bill for each other, and they also decide to pay for our meals. AF CPT leans over to me and smiles saying "JEEEEEEZ How many officers does it take to pay a bill eh? HAHAHAHAHA" I kind of laughed at her for it not with her, cause seriously, if it was that hard to pay the bill of $130 the LTC Navy should of just paid. I decide to use the bathroom, and walk into this closet of a bathroom where the LTC Navy has mysteriously warped into faster than I could walk, he is already ther pissing, though I swear to this moment he was still sitting at the table drinking. He looks at me and says " Isnt this the most HOMO bathroom?" I laugh and agree even though I dont know what he meant.

Back at the table, AF CPT says out loud "Wow, we really smell like beer, we cant go back to work...." So it is a unanimous order for myself and Old Man to drive each officer to the house in which they each live, where ever that may be in DC. I take 3 Navy LTs with me in my car. I sit on the side of the road as they argue about who lives where, and how fast it will take, and what songs are blasting on my radio. This is the part that reminds me of a Baby Sitter. I look to the LT next to me and say, "LT whats your address? Your going home first." He tells me the place he lives, I put it in the GPS and off we go.

I get to the first LT's house and he says thanks and gets out. Another LT in the back seat asks me to make an illegal U-Turn, so I do. He tells me to pull over, directly across from where I dropped the first LT off. I do as ordered. He jumps out, says good-night, and then proceeds to run across the street and into the dark. (Im serious, I had no idea what the fuck he was doing). The third LT asks if he can sit up front, I tell him yes he can, and then he continues to not move and just stares at me. I say it again, and he motions to the front seat, and I say yes again. He finally moves up. He asks me to go to the next light 100yds away and take a left. I do so and as soon as I make the left, he says to pull over and he gets out..... seriously, he couldnt of gotten out and ran like the second Navy LT? I then drove back to home base through alot of traffic even though it was almost 10PM. I turned in my white iron steed, and left my wallet inside, not even realizing it. Got back to my office in Downtown DC and realized it then. Couldnt get into my office, and called back to home base, and everyone had already left....awesome. So I left for the day, not knowing how I can get onto base tomorrow, or even get into work, since each requires a tottally seperate ID card.

Fuck Bees.... time to sleep, I get to wear ACUs Tomorrow, I have never been so excited in my life to wear them.... Im so sick of dressing up nice for work in B's or A's.


"Sex On Fire" by Kings of Leon
FOLLOW UP
The crazy kid in the wheel chair ended up being a very intoxicated OIF "wounded warrior" He was missing his left leg, his teeth were all chipped and messed up, and the back of his skull was all scared from surgery and staples.... definate PTSD im sure. He also had a "wounded warrior" back pack. I felt sorry for him that he was like that, I know he probably has been through alot, and it reminded me of "Born on the 4th of July". Im sure he went through alot, maybe almost died, has been in alot of pain, maybe even lost a few close friends during whatever happened to him. All night I have been online looking at OIF/OEF support groups. Not the "I am a veteran and I have a problem", but actual political groups out there fighting for the soldiers on Capital Hill. More to come in a later post. And if you havent seen "Born on the 4th of July", I suggest you watch it, and if you feel bad when you watch it, imagine Tom Cruise having short blond hair in that movie, and that was the kid I met tonight.

What a world we live in today!

How often do you watch the news? Honestly? How can a 1 hour show that you watch before work or after dinner even come close to giving you a clue as to what is going on in the world right now? I mean off the top of my head I can think of alot of news stories... or even guess about what happened today since I didnt get to see the news. I can guarentee that someone was probably murdered within 10 miles from me, someone was raped, someone was robbed, someone dropped money, someone got into an accident, someone got a ticket, someone was divorced, dumped, kissed, slapped, shot, beaten, hugged, winked at, given a gift, smiled, frowned, cried, fell, called 911, called 411, called someone they missed and didnt want to tell so they hung up, found out a relative was dead, and im sure someone also turned off the news due to boredom. This is just a small list of things that I know went on.... It happens every day, and we are numb to it unless it happens to us. Think of our grandparents... When they were growing up and someone was murdered near them, that was probably news of the week. Now? HA! I hear someone got murdered and its just another day. If there was a day there wasnt a murder, I probably wouldnt even notice either. Here is an activity for you to due, maybe a little mind crunch.... Without watching the news as you do this, get a piece of paper and write down every news story you can think of thats going on or happened today that you know of. It can be long term things also, lets say for instance a War of some sortl. Happy Thinking! Im sure your brain will love the work out.

Listening to the cd "ALIVE 2007" by Daft Punk

Monday, January 5, 2009

First Post / Intro to Me

Hey everyone, this is my new blog. I just cancelled my last one that I used while I was in Iraq. I just wanted to use this as a quick "ice-breaker" to who I am or anything like that. Rock On!

A] - AVAIL​ABLE?​​ I am married
[B] - BIRTH​DAY?​​ 21 August 1986
​[C] CELL PHONE​?​ Pantech DUO
[D] - DRINK​ YOU HAD LAST?​​ Apple Cider
[E] EARN YOUR OWN MONEY​?​​ Yes I do
[F] - FAVOR​ITE COLOR​S?​​ Brown, Green, Yellow.
​[G] - GRADE​ YOU ARE IN? Graduated from School.
[H] - HEART​BREAK​ER?​ Dont think so... ? wierd question
[I] ICE CREAM​?​​ I prefer Sorbet
[J] - JUST SOMET​HING YOU ALWAY​S SAY? Hooah
[K] - KILLE​D SOMEO​NE?​​ No, hopefully ill never have to, but im ready for it.
[L] - LIMEA​DE OR LEMON​ADE: Iced Tea please
[M] - MONEY​ OR LOVE: Having both would make life alot easier
[N] - NUMBE​R OF SIBLI​NGS?​​ Two Brothers
[​​O]​​-​​OUTGO​ING?​​ Depends how much I have drank.
[P] PERFE​CT?​​ Def. Not
[Q] -​​QUIET​: Sometimes
[R] - REASO​N YOU SMILE​? I am alive
[S] - SONG YOU LAST HEARD​ "I just wanna make the wooooorrrllld oooonnn Fire" - real old song in Fall Out 3
[T] TICKL​ISH?​​ Very
[U] - YOU LIKE ANYON​E?​​ Meg and Mag
[V]- VEGET​ABLES​?​ Yum
[W] - WORST​ HABIT:Sometimes i just blurt whatever without thinking about it first
[X] - X-RAY VISION OR SUPER SPEED?Depends on if having super speed helps keep me in shape or not. But if i can run 2 miles in a second, and get the fitness benefits from it, then ill take super speed.
[Y] - YOUR FAVOR​ITE FOOD? anything Thai or Sushi
[​​Z]​​-​​ZODIA​C SIGN?​ Very LEO